The five-million people living in Melbourne have been met with chaos and respiration issues as smoke from bushfires in East Gippsland and the north-east continues to blanket the state.

Firefighters were called out to nearly 200 false fire alarms overnight, largely due to the smoke smothering the city.

Victoria’s chief health officer said he believed the city’s air quality dropped to “the worst in the world” overnight – with air quality across most of Melbourne’s suburbs rated as “hazardous”.

While the Federal Government keeps their distance – knowing they’ve done all they can do in the states with more swing voters than the Labor stronghold of Victoria – word of the Southern apocalypse has spread via social media, with photos hazy photos of the environmental collapses littering newsfeeds all over Australia.

The pollution has forced pools and beaches to close, horseraces to be cancelled, construction workers to abandon outdoor work and caused concerns about the welfare of tennis players at the Australian Open.

In fact, the smoke is so bad that local Toorak woman, Amanda Kennett-Doyle (42) has been able to use the high-beams on her Range Rover without blinding the Deliveroo cyclists.

“I always wondered what these are for!” she tells our reporters on the way to an early school pick up.

“Apparently you can use them on the roads out of town, but I’ve never really taken my baby further bush than Portsea Polo”

However, as Amanda points out, her husband Hugangus (55) is absolutely stoked with the bushfire smoke making their car look like an off-road vehicle after driving it through the sprinklers in the front garden this morning.

“The car is covered in dirt like I’ve been out west in Tullamarine or something!” she giggles.


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