The English Cricket team and cricketing establishment have re-claimed the Ashes, it can be confirmed today.

Despite a ball not having been bowled in the 3rd Test at Headingley, the English are ready to celebrate bringing the coveted urn back home.

The historic victory in the 3rd Test follows two resounding moral victories at Lords and Edgbaston, with the English now leading the series 3-0.

While the scorecard does actually tell a different tale from those first two tests, the morally and philosophically superior style of English Cricket means that they did win those first two games.

As a result of those resounding victories, Brendon ‘Baz’ McCullum, their glorious spiritual leader who can do no wrong has decided to just claim victory in the 3rd Test as well.

“If you look at the way we play cricket, and the way our players have amnesia about any of their actions in the past, we have actually won the 3rd Test already,” said Baz, with a profound and prophetic air.

“All those who follow me know that past incidents of cheating like Stuart refusing to walk, or the disgusting allegations of racism within english Cricket that we buried because it doesn’t appeal to our sensibilities don’t apply to our vision of the Spirit Of Cricket.”

“The Spirit of Cricket is Bazball, and Bazball is the winner,” finished Baz, before nodding and walking off.

The Third Test will still be played tonight in Leeds, in somewhat of a dead rubber, with Australia trying to win the meaningless scorecard based version of the game.

More to come.


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