CSIRO Finds 96% Of New Year’s Resolutions About To Be Blown To Smithereens This Weekend

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT

The nation’s premier scientific organisation has today offered comment on a major scientific event taking place this weekend.

The CSIRO has warned everyone to be ready for the Aurora Capitularis – also known as the weekend where everyone’s New Years Resolutions go out the door.

With the arrival of the first proper weekend of the working year, it’s expected that roughly 95-96% of people will crumble on their unrealistic commitments to be perfect people.

As a spokesperson from Canberra said; “Whether it’s a resolution to not eat sugar, or not get pissed every Friday night, or exercise every day, it all ends this weekend.”

“It’s been a big first week back for a lot of people, and a warm Friday night post silly season is more than likely to tip people over the edge.”

“Even for the non-drinkers, it’s been nearly 3 weeks of unrealistically depriving themselves or forcing themselves to do something they don’t really want to do.”

“This evening, it all comes crumbling down.”

“So if you are thinking about texting the ex again, or getting on the lash, or eating an entire bag of chocolate bullets all to yourself after you’ve destroyed a piggy Thai, just enjoy it.”

“Don’t beat yourself up. Just live your life.”

More to come.