Critics of the perfectly sensible, logical link between mobile telephone transmission towers and a respiratory virus were silenced today when a respected conspiracy theorist discovered a similar link between the 1918 Spanish Flu Outbreak and the 5G Telegram Network which had recently been rolled out only decades prior.

“I started looking into it and all the pieces started coming together” whispered unemployed father of zero Louie Plunk.

“The virus started in late 1916 in France. Now, France had adopted the electric telegraph in 1846, so if you allow a 70 year gestation period, it all fits. Now get this; in 1850 a telegraph cable was laid from Calais to Dover, connecting France to England, and since the first transatlantic telegraph cable was laid in 1866, it allowed Spanish Flu to quickly travel from there to the United States where it wreaked havoc in 1918. See?”

“Tell me there isn’t some sort of connection there. My great-grandma lived in Kansas and she caught Spanish Flu and also Herpes from a telegram as soon as it was delivered by the postman.”

However, a spokesman from the World Health Organisation has cast doubt on the seemingly iron-clad connection. “What connection? Are you people serious?! How about you piss off and get yourself a medical degree, or at least a functional brain, then we’ll have a chat you irresponsible crackpot” pondered an unnamed scientist when contacted for comment for this article.  

The Spanish Flu pandemic ended in 1919 when those still infected either died or developed immunity. The last telegram sent in Australia was in 1993 before the last remaining portion of the telegraph network was decommissioned after 139 years.

But Louie says he still isn’t taking any chances, and will be avoiding reading old telegrams, visiting museums which could contain them, and lengths of copper wire, just in case. But when asked whether he would be avoiding 5G cell towers as well, his response was slightly less ‘woke’. “What? No, of course not. Viruses can’t travel over radio waves. That’s just silly”.


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