Bloke On Social Media Detox Finds Himself Deeply Invested In Indian Pole Gymnastics

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact

Local bloke Tom Shield [34] has this week announced everybody who cares (which is no one) that he’s having a social media detox.

It’s alleged this decision was a result of him getting entrenched in the ‘millionaire mindset’, which informed him that unless he was getting up at 4am to hustle each morning, he was never going to become successful or an alpha male. Nor would he be able to disappoint nine women a day, like his hero, Dan Bilzerian.

So, upon realising that he was averaging a staggering four hours ago fucking around on Facebook, Instagram and Reddit, Tom has decided to delete all the apps from his phone, in favour of educating herself.

However, after spending just one hour watching Ted Talks and a ‘How To Be Charismatic’ video, Tom found that improving yourself is actually incredibly boring and it’s much more fun to switch off with some mind numbing entertainment.

But if he puts the apps back on his phone, he’s admitting defeat.

And if he admits defeat, he’s an undisciplined loser.

Letting out a sigh as he peers at his recommended section, Tom’s attention immediately strays to an Indian pole gymnastic video, which is likely part of his algorithm due to all those swimming pool videos he found himself watching at 3am.

“Oh that’s fucking sick.”

“How do they do that?”

More to come.