Bachelor Annoyed He Still Hasn’t Made Love To His Burnt Slow Jams Mix CD From 2002

INGRID DOULTON | Local News | Contact

As a 12-year-old boy, Stephen Doohan burnt himself a slow jams mix for the express purpose of charming an overly-polite and awkward girl in his class – Mary.

While he has grown, his sense of what constitutes something to be appropriate or not has not.

Recently, the comically-tense Gemini moved out of his parents leafy Betoota Heights display home and while he was in the act of packing his room, he found the old mix tape.

“From a simpler time,” he told our reporter.

“I made this mix for a girl called Mary. Don’t know what happened to her after primary school. She moved away, I think. My parents had this Packard-Bell that had a sticker on it saying ‘Never Obsolete!””

“Funny when you think about it. It had a CD burner and I made like hundreds of mixtapes.”

Stephen let out a big sigh and turned to look out the window.

“If I have Mary’s slow jam mix CD then that means she obviously didn’t want to accept a mix from me – the ultimate humiliation for a 12-year-old boy,” he said.

“But then again, I might’ve kept it to have as a general soundtrack to many of my planned lovemaking sessions; the same ones that never happened. God, I can’t even think about how much of a poon I was back then,”

“It’s OK, I’m cool now, but? Right?”

More to come.