Atheist Edgelord Gen X Man Struggles To Hide Jealousy Of America's Secular Holiday

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An edgy Gen-X man that enjoys rejecting anything that comes out of the United States is having a difficult time discrediting Thanksgiving.

Fred O'Riely (58), a city dweller who spent last month breaking the news to his neighbours that Halloween is American culture imperialism and an act of cultural vandalisation against Australia, is struggling to figure out why he hates Thanksgiving.

While the staunch atheist and anti-consumerist does admit that the American tradition is basically everything he enjoys about Christmas without the presents or religion, he refuses to concede that it is a pretty wholesome holiday.

"Turkey sucks, you tried that stuff? Only American's could put enough butter and stuffing in that bird to make it taste palatable" the 58 year old declared.

Despite these criticisms, Fred has found it increasingly difficult to brush off the emotional appeal of a day centred entirely around eating too much food and sitting on a couch with people you tolerate. 

He has reportedly spent the week watching YouTube compilations of American families deep frying turkeys, pretending it’s for research while quietly marvelling at how happy everyone looks.

According to friends, Fred’s real issue is that the holiday simply goes against his long-standing personal brand of rejecting anything even remotely sentimental. 

The idea of a secular, consumerism-light celebration threatens the core identity he has spent decades cultivating.

More to come.