ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local fuckwit architect has today unveiled his latest masterpiece to the Betoota Shire Council, a bespoke luxury development in the heart of the French Quarter featuring some unique designs that he reckons no rural hick in this cosmopolitan desert community has ever seen the likes of.
Speaking to reporters outside council chambers this morning, architect Sebastian Huntington, gestured proudly at his renders, which depict a curved concrete structure with timber battens, wraparound terracesand approximately four thousand kilograms of dangling greenery spilling off every available surface that "no cunt except the fire bridge or God" will be able to water in the upcoming super El Nino.
"I just had this vision, you know? What if a building could feel like nature had reclaimed it? What if it looked like something out of The Last of Us, or perhaps that film World War Z with Brad Pitt? I don't think anyone has ever tried this before," he said.
He has designed seventeen identical buildings across the Betoota metropolitan area since 2021.
"The plants just sort of… exist. It's very emotional."
The development, provisionally titled 'Maison Verde' will see the demolition of an existing art deco apartment block on Rue de Branlette that currently houses 55 families, many of whom have lived there since the 1960s. In its place, the application proposes 10 bespoke luxury residences starting at a lazy six to six and a half, each featuring curved balconies, floor-to-ceiling glazing and walls thin enough to hear your neighbour's belt buckle clang off the bathroom tiles when they sit down to piss or shit or both.
"We're actually increasing density in a sense," he explained.
"Spiritually. There's a wellness centre where residents can find sanctuary, a great place to sand the edges off their weekly battles with cocaine washout syndrome."
Locals have expressed concern about the loss of 45 homes during a housing crisis, but the architect remains confident the project will be well received once people see the renders, which feature attractive European-looking people drinking espresso on the ground floor cafe.
"We didn't add, you know, Coffee Club patrons to the render. We wouldn't have enough space on the hard drive for that!"
More to come.
