AFL Also Set To Ban The Specky And Meat Pies In A Bid To Completely Destroy The Fuckin Spirit Of The Game

PETE CLARK | Melbourne | CONTACT

The AFL community has been left absolutely rocked by the decision to scrap the centre bounce.

The centre bounce has been a part of the game since 1887 and since then it has functioned as a unique, impressive and electrifying way to get the game under way.

To add insult to injury the AFL has also pushed forward with some other unpopular ideas including banning the iconic specky and removing meat pies from all AFL venues.

AFL CEO Andrew Dillon has revealed the rationale behind the raft of new changes to The Advocate in an exclusive shit down.

“The balls got a fuckin mind of its own, just ask the 2010 St Kilda Football side, you can’t tame the thing. Even the most elite umpires who train their whole lives to bounce the ball on the big stage fuck it up 40 percent of the time, it’s unnessary and the game will function more smoothly without it,” he said.

“As for the other changes we thought if we’re fucking off legacy features of the game we might as well tackle them all at once, pardon the pun! The specky is too dangerous, we want to see more classic chest marks. The meat pie is also very dangerous, we can’t risk our fans burning the tops of their mouths on what’s meant to be a nice day out at the footy,” Dillon said.

From 2026 the AFL will begin each quarter by cowardly tossing the ball into the air with no charisma or skill.

The Advocate spoke with one umpire who, for safety reasons, wanted to remain anonymous.

“We’ve been told to keep our mouths shut and pretend we’re happy about these announcements but seriously mate, they’re killing the spirit of the game. Every kid grows up dreaming about bouncing the ball in the centre square, to kill that dream is unforgivable and the other changes are pretty bad too.”

The AFL community are likely to organise a coordinated booing effort at the beginning of each game to signify their dismay about the league decisions.

More to come.