Struggling Banks Forced To Outsource Jobs Overseas

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Australia’s banking sector has once again demonstrated its ability to balance record profits with record job cuts, after National Australia Bank (NAB) and ANZ (ANZ) confirmed that the best way to remain “competitive” is to punt local staff and send their jobs to cheaper time zones.

NAB announced yesterday that 410 workers would be shown the door as part of its latest restructuring effort, while simultaneously creating 127 new roles in India and Vietnam to perform the exact same work. A spokesperson explained that the move would allow the bank to “perform fiscal autofellatio,” by which they meant shareholders, who can now enjoy even fatter dividends off the back of other people’s unemployment.

The announcement follows news that ANZ will shed up to 4,500 roles under a so-called “rewiring” plan. Investors barely blinked, reassured by the $3.64 billion in half-year profit that suggests the only real rewiring happening is in the HR department.

Both banks stressed that these decisions are “always difficult but ultimately easy,” though apparently not difficult enough to affect the size of executive bonuses. NAB alone reported $3.4 billion in profit in just six months, proving once again that the only part of the economy experiencing a downturn is the bit where Australians get paid.

At the same time, regional communities have been told to brace for further branch closures, with bank executives pointing out that country people are “stupid hicks who need to learn how to use the internet.” The industry maintains that any farmer smart enough to drive a tractor should also be able to upload 100 points of ID on a 3G connection that drops out every time there is a cloud.

At press time, both boards were reportedly locked in crisis meetings to determine whether their executives deserved three or four million in bonuses for such bold, innovative thinking.

More to come.