Residents That Don’t Want Maccas In Neighbourhood Should Get A Better Job And Move Somewhere Less Shit

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A noisy coalition of leaners from the French Quarter are this week attempting to derail plans to build a 24-hour McDonald’s near their rundown cluster of rented Victorian terrace houses and collection of brand new tobacconists.

Claiming it will “ruin the character” of a suburb that currently smells like a glorified dog toilet, the group has submitted over 50 objections to the Betoota Shire Council. Their complaints range from the predictable. Increased noise, traffic and litter. To the absurd, including fears that the Maccas will “erode community values.”

According to Councillor Alana Fitzmaurice, the complaints are being taken with the seriousness they deserve.

“These animals are acting like we’re bulldozing a church to make room for a brothel,” she said.

“This is a neighbourhood that was awash with smack just ten years ago. It’s central, it’s high-density and at the intersection of three major arterial roads. It’s the perfect spot.”

While the council is expected to approve the development, some residents are still holding out hope that the decision can be overturned with a passionate Change.org petition and some passive-aggressive Facebook posts.

But one senior councillor says the issue is less about planning and more about personal failure.

“If you don’t want to live near a Maccas, get a better job. It’s that simple. Try choosing getting a job that isn’t ‘admin assistant’ at a mid-tier blind and shutter supplier. Like Joe Hockey said in 2014, the age of entitlement is over. You want to live somewhere peaceful, get a better job and move to a suburb that isn’t a bubbling cesspit of your own poor choices.”

“Some of us have jobs. Real jobs. Important jobs. We work hard. We have responsibility that would spin your little town mouse head. And when we stumble out of The Palais at 2am, we want to eat nuggets in the gutter, and throw fries at a possum. That’s progress. We’ve made it.”

“If you don’t like that, move to a suburb where they still care about your opinion. Maybe start by learning how to iron a shirt and talk to a receptionist without swearing.”

“McDonald’s is not lowering the tone of your street. You are.”

More to come.