OPTUS Customers Realise Name Actually Stands For Ongoing Problems Totally Useless Shit

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Residents of the New South Wales Illawarra have today confirmed what the rest of the nation has long suspected, Optus isn’t so much a telecommunications provider as it is a kind of elaborate performance art piece about being utterly fucking useless.

This comes after yet another catastrophic network outage saw close to 5000 locals in the Dapto region unable to contact emergency services for a candid nine and a half hours on Sunday morning.

At least nine Triple Zero calls failed to connect, with one desperate resident forced to track down a Telstra user in the wild, while another caller simply decided to roll the dice rather than wrestle with the nation’s most pathetic telephone network.

Police were dispatched to conduct welfare checks, paramedics scrambled to work with second-hand information, and Optus issued its signature “we sincerely apologise” statement.

Meanwhile, CEO Stephen Rue is once again packing his good suit for another grovelling session in Canberra, where he’ll be joined by a delegation of Singtel executives who will just nod along and quietly start advertising on Seek for another chump-in-a-suit. Or they might just hope everyone forgets about this, too.

Locals say the repeated chaos has left them jaded.

“At this point mate, I’d have better luck lightly jogging to the hospital than trusting Optus,” said one Dapto man.

As the company braces for yet another exodus of customers, industry insiders say Australians are finally beginning to understand the true meaning of OPTUS: Ongoing Problems Totally Useless Shit.

More to come.