“Oh No! What Will I Do Now That Beer Is Going Up To $15 A Pint!” Wonders Man Looking Out Window

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Betoota Heights man is wondering what he’s going to do at night now that the excise on alcohol is going up, pushing the price of his favourite pint close to $15.

Looking out his window while our reporter stood awkwardly in his living room, Chris Flynn said he loves having a few pints of an afternoon and this latest financial kick-in-the-guts is going to make that so much harder.

“Even beer is getting more expensive, can you believe that?” he said.

Our reporter nodded.

“How much is it this time? 6 or 8?”

Our reporter indicated that he would like to purchase a half-pound – or eight ounces in the old system.

“Sick. Man, this government. They said this would happen on the TV when the lefties got into power. Everything would get more expensive. I mean, sure. Gas and power. Of course, that’s getting more expensive because they want sun power [sic] and wind and shit. I understand that. But why can’t they just do what they did to petrol to beer? Like, remove the tax. A slab of craft beer will be fucken near a hundred dollars soon. No man can afford that,”

“If only there was something I could do at night instead of drinking pints until I wet myself with the lads. Something that won’t give me thoughts like throwing that traffic cone into the path of a bus. Or taking the kebab I just bought, eating half of it, then putting the rest in a postbox. Or when the security guard comes over to tell me to go home. I’d like something that won’t make me try and grab his radio and throw it as hard as I can at the wall,”

“A job for the scientists, hey?”

Our reporter nodded again then patted Mr Flynn’s giant German Shepheard.

“Anyway, bro.”

More to come.