After installing around a dozen “useful” search toolbars and diligently filling out as many data-mining quizzes as she can find, Mum has stooped to a new low today when she somehow managed to download and infect the family computer with COVID-19, it has been confirmed.

“I don’t know what happened,” said Mum, as she tried to treat the infected computer by sighing at it loudly.

“I was trying to find a banoffee pie recipe and then this thing popped up saying my computer had been infected and I was going to be reported to the FBI. Luckily there was a tab to install some sort of anti-virus software, but by the time I had finished putting in my Netflix password and credit card details there was some other sort of problem that could only be fixed by buying a whole bunch of iTunes cards and installing some sort of online repair kit. And now my cursor sometimes moves by itself and I’ve even noticed files opening up by themselves too. I swear I heard it cough this morning.”

In a statement, the US Centre for Disease Control said that COVID-19 was spread primarily through airborne saliva droplets in the air generated by sneezing, coughing or talking, and that it was “totally impossible” for the virus to somehow travel “from one country to another by means of satellite transmission and through copper wires”.

However, after learning the computer only developed coronavirus symptoms after Mum was mucking around with it, the CDC said the scenario was “highly probable”. 


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