Melbourne Tradie Lockdown Forces Scott Cam Back Onto The Tools To Get The Block Back On Track

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Australia’s favourite television tradie has been forced to get back into the tools for the first time since 1971 in an effort to keep the corporate johnny’s at Channel Nine happy.

Tradespeople are now banned from working on commercial and residential projects in Melbourne for two weeks after their gripes against the man were hijacked by lunatics and other assorted people who don’t like being told what to do.

That’s forced the teams on Channel Nine’s advertising warhorse The Block to get creative.

Teams can now hire host Scott Cam to swing a hammer in anger, something he says he hasn’t done since the Apollo 14 astronauts walked on the Moon.

“I’m a bit fucking rusty,” said Cam this afternoon to our reporter.

“Just practising off camera before, I turned half a fucking packet of fucking roofing nails into Twisties! That hammer is off it’s fucking cunt! Must be a left-handed one! [laughs] Fuck me, I can’t wait for these fucking cameras to fuck off so I can have a fucking rollie! I’m fucking lung-gry! Get it? Hungry and lung! Lung hungry!”

“Anyway, I hope those smooth-handed corporate johnnies from Channel Nine don’t ask me to use a power tool. I might accidentally cut some cunt’s leg off! They turn up here, in their fucking off-the-rack Politix suit jackets that look like they’re made of those park dog poo bags and fit like the bags are full of Pekingese shit!”

“Woop woop! That’s the sound of da police! Nah, we’ll be fine. We’ll get the job done.”

More to come.