Facebook Assures Australians They’d Sell Their Data If It Wasn’t Just Shitposting About The NBN

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Facebook has responded to claims they’ve been selling the data of Australian users by outlining that most of the content and information Australians put on Facebook is ‘inherently worthless’.

The popular social media network told The Advocate a short time ago that everything that Australians put on Facebook is garbage and the data harvested from their local customers isn’t worth anything to anyone.

“Beleive me, we’ve tried,” said Barry Gollan, who’s the new head down at Facebook Australia’s offices in Betootacone Valley.

“One disgruntled employee put a big wedge of data on an external hard drive last year and went down to Cash Converters to try and sell it. They offered him six points of heroin and an unregistered snub-nose .38 for it,”

“A good deal if you ask me, he should’ve taken it but at the end of the day, I’m glad [Cash] Converters phoned the police. We could’ve got in a lot of trouble if that data got out.”

Mr Gollan then went on to explain that nearly all the data they’ve collected so far is just ‘shitposts about the NBN being sub-standard’ and people liking posts about reality television.

“There’s no meat to it. Australians don’t even protest. The two major parties are so alike, elections almost seem unnecessary. That’s why the data of Australian internet users isn’t worth the disk space it occupies.”

The Advocate reached out to Cambridge Analytica, the firm at the centre of the Facebook data harvesting scandal in the US, but arrived to find their Australian offices alight.

Four employees of the firm were pulled from the building alive with two small calibre bullet wounds to the back of their skulls each and their fingerprints were burnt off as well.

They’re currently receiving care at the Daroo Street General Practitioner Outpatient Facility.

More to come.