Bloke Who Has Flat Out Given Up On Life Is Seriously Considering Buying A Subaru Tribeca

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Betoota Heights man who has yet to feel a genuine connection to anything has sold his 2005 Holden Astra and is now on the hunt for an equally depressing automobile.

Casey Cline told The Advocate today that he’s seriously considering a Subaru Tribeca, a vehicle that represents the epitome of automotive mediocrity.

The 36-year-old IT worker went on to explain that a man’s car is often a reflection of who they are on the inside and how they feel about the future and themselves.

“With the reissue of Kid A and Amnesiac coming out, I’ve gotten into a bit of a hole,” he said.

“All of a sudden, I feel like I’m 16 again and coming out the other side of emo into the realisation that life is actually pointless. I feel the Tribeca displays that feeling accurately. It’s a car you can drive home at night, in July, with the windows up while you smoke cigarettes and listen to shoegaze music on low volume,”

“The Astra was a bit too optimistic. Its sporty design and Blaukpunkt sound system was too much. It was like having a chinsy real estate agent smiling at me the whole time,”

“If you’re unfamiliar with the Tribeca, go to carsales and go flick through a few. Sort by cheapest first.”

More to come.