ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Southside columnist and Sky News television presenter Andrew Bolt, woke up in the early hours of this morning inside the bowels of his own personal hell after getting on the 86 outside his Docklands office – where he quickly passed out.
Initial reports suggest the conservative commentator was only planning to get the tram across the river to meet friends for dinner at Melbourne’s fabled Bourke Street Mall.
However, it wasn’t meant to be.
As the 86 slithered its way past the relative safety of Parliament Station and into the city’s wild north, the tram rocked the 58-year-old deeper and deeper to sleep.
Speaking to the non-taxpayer-funded media this afternoon, Bolt conceded that it was a ‘miracle’ that he made it through Fitzroy’s morally bankrupt Gertrude/Brunswick/Smith Street district at such a late hour unscathed.
“It’s almost a year to the day since I was attacked by masked cowards in Carlton North,” said Bolt, outside the Sky News Building in Melbourne’s conservative ‘green zone’ in Docklands.
“I’m not a fool, I know that it’s just a matter of time until somebody else tries to have a go at me. I try to mitigate these risks, somewhat. I don’t live in fear but I’m not about to paint a target on my back by having dinner with Rowan Dean at Naked For Satan of an evening’s time,”
“But last night, I made an error that could’ve ended poorly for me. Old Boltaroony could’ve been a goner.”
In a segment of his show tonight that’s since been cut by a Sky News executive producer left skittish by the recent controversy storm smothering the news media organisation, Bolt described what happened when he finally came to.
He said a mild panic swept over him like waves over drunk wallowing in the shallows of a Portsea beach.
“I thought to myself, ‘Jesus wept. I might have to fight my way out of here,’ but then I suddenly realised just how deep I was north,” he delivered deadpan to the camera.
“As I alighted from the tram, I looked up to Northcote Social Club. A place I’d only read about. A place where young men and women go to ‘hook up’ and listen to music. It was like I was looking into the eyes of Colonel Walter E. Kurtz himself. Deeper and deeper into the heart of darkness the 86 doth taketh!”
“The denizens of that suburb that good taste and Jesus forgot, began to cotton on to who I was. A crowd began to form and the hairs on the back of my neck stood like cactus spikes! My fists clenched. I beckoned the first to have a go, I was ready!”
“But then one collarless young man told me to fuck off back to Prahran before walking away. I seized my chance and hailed a taxi. There, once back inside the safe warm bosom of that Ford Falcon, I felt safe. The nostalgic whirl of the Falcon transmission was a comfort. Told the cab driver that I was concerned about my safety up here, to not stop at traffic lights in case the unthinkable happened. In case I got Tupac’d.”
Bolt then said the taxi driver told him to take the serial-number-less Smith & Wesson .38 Detective Special from the centre console and start loading it.
Unfortunately, the Sky News board decided to stop him there.
Both Bolt and Sky News refused to comment on the matter further.
More to come.