Abbott Government embraces International Women’s Day with “Guidelines To Female Happiness”

8 March, 2015. 15:03

| Professor of Women’s Issues | Contact

A GOVERNMENT-FUNDED report was leaked via Wikileaks this morning, outlining measures that Australian women could take in order to achieve unbridled happiness.

Launched to coincide with International Women’s Day, the study is the latest attempt by the government to try to solve the ‘unhappy women’ problem that has dogged the Abbott administration since day one.

The 91-page summary has released a number of guidelines that the government says will help women achieve ‘what is truly important in life’.

The Guidelines To Female Happiness was put together by the Minister for Women as well as a large collection of willing respondents, of which all were registered female Liberal voters.

A few of the key findings of the report include:

A survey of over a thousand women has concluded that they’re happiest when their husband is at work.

Of that original thousand women, over half agreed that the more hours their husband spends at work, the better.

A Centurion card from American Express is enough to overlook any fault in a man – whether it be genetic, physical or a disturbing series of personality red flags.

Women married to men who vote for the Labor Party are generally embarrassed by their husband’s opinion of small business and privatisation.

Similar to the latter, women who are in a ‘committed but defacto’ relationship with a Greens voter are 9 times more likely to nervous about their future.

Career-driven women who forgo a family and friends are seven times more likely to own a pantsuit.

Unemployed mothers married to high-income earners are Australia’s leading consumers of Chardonnay and Windex.

Religious women are said to be in the happiest marriages because they enjoy daytime television and the missionary position.

One percent of women who are the sole bread-winners say they feel bad for emasculating their husbands.

The government plans to subsidise the education of women who choose a career in either child care (non-educational), hospitality or secretarial work.

The landmark study was bankrolled in a bipartisan partnership between the Catholic Church, the NSW Liberal Party and Tony Abbott’s personal savings account.

Australian households should start receiving the report in their letterboxes from next week.

Professor Ingrid Doulton earned her PhD in Patriarchal Studies from the University of Sydney in 2012. She completed her undergraduate studies at La Trobe University in regional Victoria soon after completing high school. Immediately after, she began her Masters at The University of Canberra with her dissertation on American Chopper. She is chairwoman of the Women’s Literacy Foundation and a brand ambassador for Rexona. Prof. Doulton lives in Sydney’s upper north shore with her dog, Peter.

With additional reporting from AAP.