9 Terrific Gift Ideas For Your Unhinged Australian Family On Christmas Day

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Christmas is a wonderful time of the year. It's a time where the most opposite personalities spend close to 12 hours alongside each other with no reprieve.

It's a time for merriment, catch-ups and gossip. It's also time for ripping open old wounds and arguing about political issues.

In every extended Australian family, there are recurring archetypes.

Regardless of cultural backgrounds or geographics - the alpha females, chauvinists, bleeding hearts and slackers will all be piled on top of one another and forced to wear paper crowns.

But with so many twisted branches on the family tree, it's hard to find gifts that suit each personality. Luckily for you, the good people at Betoota Outfitters have tailored gift ideas for everyone.

Read on for more, or click here to go straight to the shop if you feel so inclined.

Leftie Niece

Once a gifted child, now a radical feminist with an encyclopaedic knowledge of global injustices. A regular attendee of those protests in the city, and perhaps because of this, rather unlucky when it comes to romance. It is uncertain how her pivot into human rights advocacy came to be, but many just assume it all stems from the Spice Girls/Taylor Swift girl power of her childhood. She's very well educated and assertive. The women in the family often let her speak for them, and everyone loves watching her roll a hand grenade into this otherwise apolitical family. But yes, sometimes she does take it too far. If she starts banging on about how even Christmas is a social construct based around consumerism and colonial Christian blah blah blah - it's time to cut her off with a fart joke. If you're struggling to find an ethical present for her, this T-shirt is made in Australia with transparency and traceability across all levels of the supply chain. Although, she probabaly has a problem with that kind of chest-beating patriotism.

Kitchen Control Freak

The fact of the matter is, Christmas Day does not happen without this valued and venomous family member. Nothing will get burnt, nothing will go cold, and nothing fun will happen within 20 metres of the family kitchen. Whether they're hosting or not, the Kitchen Control Freak will commandeer all utilities and homeware for the best part of the day. Some say this is a cunning tactic to avoid mingling with the in-laws, others say that it's a selfless civic duty. Even though they refuse any help, and berate anyone who gets in the way, they will also remember the names of who didn't at least OFFER to help. Any debutants, particularly the new girlfriends of nephews, would benefit from winning over the Kitchen Control Freak. You can do this by picking up a plate of cheese and handing it around. The Kitchen Control Freak is unlikely to even participate in the gifting of presents, and she probably won't like this shirt, but her efforts deserve to be recognised.

Redneck Uncle

A spectacular provocateur and a genuine pest. Whether he can even speak English or not, EVERY family has the Redneck Uncle. A low-information voter whose opinions are never fully formed when they come out of his mouth. He's obviously most likely to lock horns with the Leftie Niece, but he's also well aware that she's way smarter than he is. If you let him cook long enough, he might end up sounding like a full-blown communist who thinks farmers shouldn't pay tax and every homeless person should be given a bed. He obviously watches a bit too much Sky News and listens to too much talkback radio, and will quite often casually advocate for major international war crimes - but he is also the most reliable person in an emergency. This is the graduate Of The School Of Hard Knocks that you call when your house is flooding and you need a generator. If he's not a snowflake, get him this shirt for Christmas.

Yobbo Nephew

An excitable young bloke who struggles to read the room. Loves a beer, and loves telling stories that centre around his love of a beer. He also loves rum. He's generally better behaved if he has a missus, but even then, he still insists on moving everyone on to the rums after Nanna's plum cake. The uncles and older cousins are nothing but enablers, but to be honest, so is Nanna. Once a great athlete, there are a myriad of reasons why he never went pro - but strangely, he seems to earn a fair bit of coin doing whatever the hell it is that he does for work. It's a slight concern that the younger nephews and little cousins hold him in such high esteem, and it's worth occasionally pointing out to them that he is, in fact, the Yobbo Nephew. The best way to do that is to give him this shirt for Christmas and force him to wear it. It may even rein him in a little bit. Maybe he'll leave the beer bong in the ute. But he probably won't.

Fiery Lesbian Aunty

The natural adjudicator of family arguments, the Fiery Lesbian Auntie. She holds the Redneck Uncle accountable while also being able to tell the leftie niece when she's starting to carry on a bit. A proud Subaru owner, or at least an aspiring Subaru owner, and a pillar of the community. She remembers everything that ever happened at every family event and is very up to date with the political and cultural landscape. The nephews and nieces love her stories, because she's the living and breathing rebel that every family needs. She remembers when the Mardi Gras was actually good - and plays the lifelong confidante for any other wild child that came after her. The Yobbo Nephew DOES as she SAYS. Give her this shirt and let her know the important role she plays in your unhinged Australian family.

Pub Rock Pop

He saw Cold Chisel before anyone knew who they were. He knows exactly which band is from where, and what pubs they used to play at. He has seen more live gigs this year than any of his grandsons and granddaughters combined. This is because he is the only one in the family who actually knows what real music his. PUB ROCK POP is the antidote to boring political chat and family rivalries that kick off elsewhere around the backyard on Christmas Day. He can talk about guitars, amps and pubs to anyone who will listen. He also loves mafia movies and vintage Australian cars. But more than anything, he loves merch. Footy teams, rock bands, rural Australian tourism events. He loves a good novelty T-Shirt. Get him this one.

Hippy Nanna

A former party girl from the 60s and 70s, the HIPPY NANNA is NOT the type of old codger that expects the family to start Christmas Day at the local church. She's more of a Joni Mitchell type grandmother. It's actually hard to fathom that she is such a crucial branch on this growing family tree because she is not big on discipline. In fact, she's quite the opposite. If there is any hint of cannabis within the vicinity, she will sniff it out, and is able to keep it under wraps if she's allowed a hit. She's also famously hard to buy presents for, given the fact that she has more knick knacks than a coastal town op shop. Some would call her a hoarder, but she's insists she's just a bit more decorative than the rest of the boring old people her age. Give her something other than a kaftan to wear next Christmas and crown the Queen with the title she has spent her whole life striving for. THE HIPPY NANNA

Free Childcare

This family member is the direct opposite of HIPPY NANNA. A strong matriarch, sometimes patriarch, who has very little interest in the riff raff or shit talk. They aren't the control freak either, but do get a little bit judgy about modern parenting tactics. They are the family's designated driver and pool lifeguard, and can also identify when a graze needs some betadine or not. They can usually handle about 6-7 toddlers under their supervision at once, for hours on end. Sometimes their free childcare duties extend well beyond Christmas Day to school pick-ups and drop-offs. For working parents, it's even better when they take pride in the 'free childcare' moniker. Let them know that you appreciate them with this shirt in the Secret Santa.

Family Conspiracist

We've all got 'em. THE FAMILY CONSPIRACIST. They are the only family member who spends as much time on the internet as the LEFTIE NIECE. Some date back to the moon-landing, but a lot of them came to light during the pandemic. From interest rates, to weather events, to political assassinations - there is always a little known explanation for every major news story. And there's always a higher power pulling the strings. Sometimes they provides some interesting food for thought, sometimes their highly enthusiastic rants border on the outright absurd. But either way, they are an absolute classic. They don't seem to take issue with the term 'conspiracy theorist' - because guess what, The CIA's heart attack gun started off as a conspiracy theory, and guess what, it turned out to be true. Every conspiracy is just the truth waiting to be uncovered by random Australians at family Christmas event. Get him this shirt so that he can let similarly enlightened citizens know that he is one of them.