7 Things Albanese Can No Longer Say In Parliament Now That The Opposition Leader Is Female

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Federal Parliament has returned for the first time since the 2025 election, and there is a feeling of pragmatism in the air.

The low-effort culture wars and delusional nuclear power debate has put to bed by the Australian voters, and the incumbent government re-elected with 94 seats.

This does not include the Independents candidates that gobbled up another 2 safe coalition seats in Sydney’s North Shore and the Central West of NSW. The crossbench now sits at 13, with Labor snatching three more seats from the Greens.

Women now make up 69 seats in the lower house, verging ever closer to full gender parity. The Federal Opposition has not contributed to this is any way – in fact, this record-breaking number was achieved in spite of the Coalition’s boys club pre-selection processes.

It would be safe to say now that both the Liberal and National Party are destined to another couple terms in the wilderness, as Albanese’s Labor returns to power with a landslide majority, and the absolute mandate for reform.

After the demolition of Peter Dutton’s Liberal Party on May 3, the Federal Opposition has been drastically weakened with just 43 MPs returning to lower house. This means they are 33 seats short of returning to government, and less than half the government’s huge numbers.

However, this doesn’t mean that the Prime Minister doesn’t need to be smart about the way he governs. In fact, the next 3 years may be some of the most difficult.

Gone are the days where he can swing cricket bats at Peter Dutton and Adam Bandt, with the type of aggressive political attacks that straight white men can only get away with when they are directing at other straight white men.

With the Greens and the Liberals now lead by females, The Prime Minister has to completely change the way he conducts himself – that’s if he wants to maintain any semblance of chivalry.

Here are 7 things he can no longer say in Parliament.

“Sit down boofhead”

Many say that this way when the momentum turned for Albanese’s leadership. After being whipped by consecutive opinion polls after an unsuccessful referendum campaign, and a brutal cost-of-living crisis – the PM finally snapped in Parliament, openly referring to Peter Dutton as a ‘boofhead’. This was received very well by the Australian voters, who had been patiently waiting for Albanese to show some teeth.

This type of sledge is not appropriate when your opposition leader is a softly-spoken woman. It would make him look like the type of white boy who punches holes in plasterboard during an argument over his screentime.

“The other mob are hysterical”

This sort of language was more suitable when Albanese was facing an opposition front bench made up overweight men who watch too much Sky News. With a female leader, the Liberals are much less likely to work themselves up into hysterics over trans bathrooms and homosexuals being allowed to vote. It’s also not wise to ever refer to a female, or group of females, as hysterical.

Especially when the vast majority of the Canberra press gallery are women.

“Settle petal”

Again, this only works as a double edged sledge. Telling a bloke to calm down is funny. It’s also funnier when you emasculate them by giving them a cutesy nickname. On top of all of this, it also works. Men usually shut up when they get hit with this one.

It doesn’t work if you do it to women. In fact, it has the opposite effect.

“Get back in the kitchen”

This is a highly provocative thing to say, and should only ever be directed at Scott Morrison. And only in reference to him relentlessly posting photos of homecooked curries to social media during the pandemic. Saying this Sussan Ley or Larissa Waters would likely result in Albanese’s assassination. And it would not be surprising if it was Penny Wong or Katy Gallagher that did it.

“You’re playing with the big boys now”

This is a very common expression. Other variations include ‘You’re running with the big dogs now’ or ‘Welcome to first grade, son’.

It’s doesn’t really work when directed at a woman. It actually sounds like the type of thing that a man would say when he knows he’s about to get outsmarted by a woman. An appropriate substitute would be ‘This is what ya get on the big jobs’.

“Don’t lose your rag”

This one speaks for itself. It doesn’t mean what it sounds like it means, but it sounds enough like what it sounds like it means.

“The opposition leader is a bald-headed shit-for-brains moron with no future”

This type of language was very much of it’s time and of it’s place. It does not apply to the current Federal Opposition leader. Or anyone who isn’t Peter Dutton for that matter.