11 August, 2015. 11:30
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact
Despite a thrilling 27-19 win against New Zealand in Sydney on Saturday night, The Qantas Wallabies have today announced that an integral playmaker has been stood down from all duties pending an investigation into what has been described as a “horrific above the shoulders offence”.
In front of 73 824 fans, Wallabies veteran and former Brisbane State High debating captain, Matt Toomua debuted a controversial haircut that instantly divided teammates, fans and coaching staff.
Despite Toomua’s historic second-half performance which led to the Australian national side’s first victory over New Zealand since 2011, the controversy created by his exotic haircut has seen him stood down by the ARU pending an immediate investigation.
Mr Toomua says he will not apologise for what he describes as a “funky top knot with a side fade” – However, even his Canberra-based barber, Vena Joseph, has spoken up about his attempts to stop it from happening.
“Bro, it was one of those things… I’m here to cut hair, not to give life coaching seminars. He really dug it. I thought it was rude as”
Due to a long-standing friendship with Toomua, the Betoota Advocate was able to reach out through our facebook page’s messenger service. It seems Toomua is still not taking the situation seriously.
Coach Michael Cheika says that Toomua is “very bloody lucky he put on such a show” during Saturday night’s explosive trans-Tasman showdown.
“By the time he took the beanie off and we saw that haircut it was too late… We were about to run on”
“He played alright, but seriously… Who does he think he is? Nick Kyrgios!?”
It is believed former Wallabies captain and fellow Brisbane boy, David Pocock has vowed to play ringleader in a locker-room “touch-up” – which is said to involve Toomua being held down team-mates while having his head forcefully shaved.
“I’m hoping we can get trim his lid before our next press conference. He reckons we won’t be able to catch him… But we will. It’s time we put this whole thing to rest,” Says a concerned Pocock.
“I’ve informed his bae (Ellyse Perry) about our plans. She is currently in England preparing to replace Michael Clarke as the Australian Test Captain… But she has assured me that she is 100% onboard,”
“If she was in town, he wouldn’t be sleeping in his own bed… That’s for sure”
The Wallabies now head to Auckland next Saturday to attempt to win back the Bledisloe Cup for the first time since 2002.
If you would like anymore information regarding this story surrounding Matt Toomua’s haircut – please contact: email@example.com