5 Tips To Help Protect Your Pet From The Sexual Advances Of Rugby League Players

3. Teach Your Pet To Talk

5 Tips To Help Protect Your Pet From The Sexual Advances Of Rugby League Players

28 January, 2016 15:45

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | CONTACT

Sydney Roosters and NSW Origin halfback, Mitchell Pearce has made headlines today after he received a suspension and a hefty fine for simulating a sexual act on a female partygoers dog, while on a bender.

In a video released by several predatory news outlets, including ours, last night – the third-generation rugby league superstar appears to be in a very intoxicated state, and is seen forcing an unwanted kiss on a female, who tries to reject his advances, before he is asked to leave the residence on the grounds of urinating himself on the couch.

After being denied a kiss, Mitchell Pearce then turns his attention to the woman’s dog, announcing: “I’ll f*** that dog, I don’t give a f***, I don’t have a sexuality” – before putting the dog in his lap and gyrating against it.

As reported by The Betoota Advocated earlier today, this isn’t the first time a professional rugby league footballer has made headlines for simulating sex acts on an innocent dog.

So, to prevent this from happening again, we have put together an list of 5 easy tips to help you protect your pooch from the sexual advances of NRL stars.

5. Obedience School / Guard Training

As we have learnt with victims of human-on-human sexual assault, the best approach to avoiding molestation is a preventative one.

This means training your dog to “not end up in those situations” – and to teach them to “not lead on rugby league players”.

If you leave meat out for a dog, you can bet your bottom dollar that he’s going to have a bite. The same goes for humans.

The best way for dogs to learn these skills is through Obedience School and Guard Training, this will not only help your dog realise when he/she is at risk of being sexually assaulted by a rugby league player, but will also teach them how to fight back.

4. Doggie Shock Collars

Doggie Shock Collars are very useful to not only limit a dog’s barking, but to also fend off sexual predators – when the dog has no option other than to bark in protest to being sexually assaulted.

The moment a dog feels unsafe, their barking will activate the shock collar – which will result in both them and their attacker experiencing an unpleasant jolt of electricity.

If majority of the canine victims of sexual assault wore Doggie Shock Collars, there would be much less assaults, as perpetrators would also experience the same electronic shock that dogs feel when they transgress the appropriate levels of neighbourhood noise.

While it is unfortunate that the animals have to also experience a jolt as well, it is no where near as distressing as the subsequent victim-shaming that most Australians experience once an assault has actually taken place at the hands of a professional footballer.

3. Teach Your Pet To Talk

A lot of these rugby league-related acts of nonconsensual cross-species sex crimes could also be avoided if our pets were able to speak.

There are many animals that are able to communicate through both verbal and sign language, which would come in very handy when confronted with a potential sexual assault. No means no.

2. Avoid Hosting A Bender With Your Pet In The Middle Of The Room

It’s common knowledge that Australians show the most signs of aggression and stupidity during a “bender” (a period of more than 12 hours spent intoxicated).

It is not a good idea to expose your pet to this kind of behaviour, especially when they are wearing nothing but a skimpy little collar.

1. Avoid Inviting Professional Rugby League Players To Your Apartment For A Bender, Especially When They Are Self-Entitled Sons Of Former-Greats That Earn Close To A Million Dollars Per Year, And Claim To Have No Real Sexuality, And Enjoy Simulating Sex Acts On Dogs

It’s common knowledge that professional Rugby League players show the most signs of aggression and stupidity during a “bender” (a period of more than 12 hours spent intoxicated).

It is not a good idea to expose your pet to this kind of behaviour. Especially when they are wearing nothing but a skimpy little collar and Mitchell Pearce is off his head, and has just been rejected by human girl.

3 Responses to "5 Tips To Help Protect Your Pet From The Sexual Advances Of Rugby League Players"

  1. Mitchell Pearce   January 28, 2016 at 11:43 pm

    You guys have no idea…Lady Flufflesworth was giving me the eye all night.

    Reply
  2. Geoff   January 29, 2016 at 5:42 pm

    Turn it up, Ju-ju (god I hate myself for saying that).

    Reply
  3. Mitchell   May 3, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    Fuck

    Reply

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