FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

The eagerly awaited Russian COVID-19 Vaccine unveiled by Russian leader Vladimir Putin is being administered to 40,000 test subjects, as part of Stage 3 clinical trials. 

The vaccine, available in a 750mL vial containing 25 doses, is administered orally and multiple doses can be prescribed for serious cases. 

“Worked great for me!” said outpatient Sergei Meerkat, 24.

After having little success with a supposed cure from well-known physician Dr Pepper, Sergei was able to obtain the Russian vaccine without a prescription from Daniel Murphy’s Dispensary and self-medicate until the symptoms became less severe.

“I had a bit of a dry cough and a running nose, so I took one dose, but it didn’t seem to work at first” explained Sergei.

“So I took the rest of the doses and seems like it was just in time because suddenly I was experiencing other Coronavirus symptom like loss of stability, nausea, and vomiting.”

“The next morning I felt a bit better, despite waking up in the bath for some reason. There were a few side effects, like a headache, sensitivity to loud noises and an unexplained traffic cone in my bedroom, but overall I did feel better.”

However, the WHO has told Putin to just cool his jets a little.

The WHO is currently gathering information provided by Russia as part of its assessment of the vaccine.

It is unknown why the English rock band are taking such an interest in COVID-19 cures but when contacted for information they feigned ignorance, suggesting the project may be confidential in nature. 

“Yeah Smirnoff is not a cure. In fact, it’s probably going to be the thing that kills the sick people off,” said a WHO spokesperson.


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