FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

After his embarrassing Tulsa rally, President Donald Trump has resorted to drastic measures to avoid another gaffe.

The rally, held on June 20 in the BOK Centre in Tulsa, Oklahoma, was predicted to have over 1 million attendees, after that many tickets were reserved. However, the actual attendance was about 6,200, after most of the tickets were reserved by teenage trolls who had no intention of attending. Unsurprisingly, Trump’s response was to report the attendance at 12,000 and blame protesters for blocking many supporters from entering the venue, although this was not witnessed by any reporters at the event.   

Now, in an unexpected move, the President has appointed a Sydney-based Real Estate Photographer to make any future rallies appear to be substantially larger than they really are.

Real Estate Photographers, who use a secret combination of sneaky software, permutated perspectives and lucrative lenses, have long been revered for somehow being able to make the pokiest places appear positively prodigious. By weaving their magic they can turn a hut into a hanger; a caravan into a cavern.

The practice is controversial as when a buyer or tenant eventually sees the property in person the illusion is shattered, and many a potential resident suddenly realises they may have to replace their king size 4-poster bed with a futon.

When questioned about the recent appointment, President Trump claimed the new role was critical to ensure the world could fully grasp the size of his rallies.

“My rallies are huge. Huge. Everybody says that.” explained Trump. “Now you’ve got the fake news media out there, they are taking far-away pictures with telescopes to make them look small. It’s true. Do you know what I am saying? They are taking sneaky pictures from space with their telescopes. And it makes the rallies look small. Because the picture is small. Do you see what I mean? It’s so far away. And if the picture is only this big, and you can fit the whole rally in one picture, then you would think that the whole rally was only four inches by six inches, and that isn’t huge. It’s not even big. And the people at the rally would be the size of ants. And you would say ‘what is this? A rally for ants?’. Even I would be the size of an ant. That’s right. Do I look like an ant? I need this new photo guy to take pictures to show how huge the rallies are to fight back against these fake telescope photos from space. Don’t you see? They send the astronauts up there to take the pictures. Mexican astronauts probably. Mexico has a space program. It’s true. It’s very true. That’s why the helmets are so big. They need to fit the sombreros in. OK? They have rockets. Powered by habaneros. Why is nobody writing this down?”


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