In some breaking news coming out of the Bay of Bengal, the inhabitants of North Sentinel Island have confirmed today why they recently killed a man who attempted to make contact with them. 

The Sentinelese people exclusively explained to The Advocate that they put a few arrows in the young man because he came to the island preaching religious ideology.

Our correspondent based in the subcontinent managed to make contact with the isolated tribe today and after establishing that he was not a threat to the people, asked them to explain why they ended the missionary’s life.

In a brief, and somewhat difficult conversation using an interpreter, the tribespeople who are often hostile to outsiders motioned to some CrossFit pamphlets that were handed to them and told us that the young American man came to try and convert them to the cult fitness franchise.

While it had previously been reported that the young man was a Christian missionary, the people of the remote island explained that he was in fact on a mission to convert the inhabitants to the ways of CrossFit.

CrossFit is a branded fitness regimen, which promotes itself as a physical exercise and a philosphy, and is known to cultivate loyal disciples.

In a broken conversation, the Sentinelese explained that the man kept going on about the benefits of High-Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) and mixed modal training.

Like many other CrossFitters, it’s believed that the fitness preacher refused to acknowledge that the people he was talking to had no interest in his ideology, and this is why they put him to sleep.

The Sentinelese then produced a bottle of multivitamins and asked us what ‘Residual Income,’ was.

After we explained what it was, they asked us to leave before we were met with the same fate as the American missionary.

Our correspondent and the team swiftly left at this point.




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