A local Betoota Grove woman who hasn’t ever been to England, and hasn’t ever met an English person that she likes, is today spending a bizarre amount of energy worrying about what Meghan Markle is doing to the British Royals.

This follows the boring news that The Duke and Duchess of Sussex did not consult the Queen or the Prince of Wales about their plan to ”step back” from royal life, it has emerged.

The obsessive British press and aspirational Australian tabloids have since launched into hyperdrive.

In the middle of a potential world war starting between the US and Iran and unprecedented bushfires destroying over a billion animals in across Australia, the media is now littered with speculation and gossip over the young families decision to break away from the situation where they have to ask the grandmother of the husband for permission to fucken do anything.

Several British newspapers have launched scathing attacks on Harry and Meghan Markle, accusing them of showing no understanding for what their roles entailed and of being disrespectful to the Queen.

The mood at Buckingham Palace is understood to be one of disappointment, with the BBC reporting that senior royals have been “hurt” by the announcement – with many British supremacist royalphiles now labeling the black duchess as ‘toxic’.

However, it doesn’t stop at the tabloids, with hair salons around Australia now joining the chorus of anti-Meghan Markle sentiment.

“Can you believe this bloody woman” says local upper-middle-class stay-at-home-wife Deborah Albion-Ascot (55), during her appointment at Pam’s Hair and Nails in the affluent Betoota Grove.

“What is wrong with her? What has she done to our Harry?”

While Deb admits that she would much prefer to holiday in Positano than Windsor (UK) – she says England holds a special place in her heart, after years of EastEnders and her recent hobby binge-watching of The Crown.

“She was never one of them” says Deb, who means exactly what everyone thinks she means.

“Why can’t she just cop it sweet. It’s part of the lifestyle. If she can’t handle the media then she should let him marry someone who can”

“Princess Diana had no problem with them”


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