In some breaking news out of the currently imploding isle of ‘Great’ Britain, England has today laid claim to another talented performer.

Continuing its well-documented habit of laying claim to succesful people from countries they colonised as part of their relentless quest to conquer the world, the nation of England has today tried to claim the superstar, Rhianna.

The claiming of Robyn Rihanna Fenty follows the recent, successful, attempts to lay dibs on talented cricketers from across the globe – with Jofra Archer the latest in a long line of recent cricketers the English have claimed, including Ben Stokes, Joe Root, Kevin Petersen etc.

“It just makes sense,” said bumbling UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson about the claiming of Riri.

“She comes from a part of the glorious Commonwealth and she can bowl high 130’s and make handy lower-order runs,” he said of the all-rounder from Barbados.

“So, long may we say we want out of the European Union and we want to tighten up our borders, but if you are a talented or successful person, then we’ll welcome you with open arms.”

“Just like you Australian’s do, so let’s not get all stones in glass houses okay.”

Rhianna has yet to comment on the issue.


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