Senator Bernie Sanders has ended his presidential campaign today, clearing Joe Biden’s path to the Democratic nomination and a showdown with President Donald Trump in November.

It is believed the progressive had become too concerned by the amount of working class Americans risking their health to go outside to vote for him in the Democratic primaries during COVID-19 lockdown. Opting to end it all now with Biden slightly in front.

The news has broken the hearts of centre-left progressives right around the world, as many viewed the 78-year-old anti-establishment democrat candidate as America’s only chance to do away with Donald Trump.

Back home in Australasia, Joe Biden’s all but secure democratic nomination appears to have been just as poorly recieved by the lefties down under.

Namely, the rapidly radicalising leftist Minister For Home Affairs.

Sitting in his sandalwood-scented quarantine cell on Christmas Island today, Peter Dutton says this is exactly what that bitch Hillary Clinton would have wanted.

“Ooooh we can’t upset the establishment” says Comrade Dutton, as he blared Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Youngstown’ on his CD player.

“The DNC’s gerrymandering of the 2020 delegates is exactly the same as 2016. And we will see the exact same result as we saw in the 2016 election”

“I for one will not be voting in this election”

While our reporters struggled to explain that there is no way that an Australian Federal politician would be allowed to vote in the US election, Peter Dutton went on to outline why Bernie Sanders scared the democrat establishment to their core.

“They would rather lose to Donald Trump again than to have to confront the American class divide”

“Status Quo Joe is the establishment candidate. He’s been chosen to uphold that country’s military and prison industrial complexes and genocidal foreign policy”

“Fuck that neoliberal Wall Street shill and fuck the Democratic National Committee that rigged his way to the top”

Dutton then continued making light-hearted but rather misogynistic comments about Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren before our reporters ended the interview.



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