ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

In what experts are calling a game-changing moment for humanity, China has unveiled its new artificial intelligence platform, DeepSeek, which promises to revolutionise the way humans engage with technology, and absolutely humiliate its Western competitors.

While ChatGPT has enjoyed a reign as the go-to tool for generating Yahoo! News and creating bespoke recipes for fridge scraps , DeepSeek has upped the ante by combining unfathomable processing power with the ability to predict, analyse, and solve problems before users even know they exist. It’s reportedly so intuitive that it can complete tax returns in true Australian-style by adding in grey-area deductions, and even preemptively cancel weekend plans before you realise you just can’t be fucked.

The launch has sent tech circles into a frenzy, with many calling it a death knell for other AI platforms. Some have even likened DeepSeek’s superiority to comparing a jet engine to a leaf blower.

It’s rocketed to the top of the Google Play and Apple App Store.

Betoota locals are taking the news with a mixture of skepticism and curiosity.

“It’s all hype,” said a night trader from a local trading house, enjoying his third middy of the morning at the Lord Kidman Hotel.

“DeepSeek is owned by a hedge fund. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s all bullshit and they jus shorted the Nasdaq, now they’ve made hundreds of billions off this. But I’ll stick with ChatGPT, thanks. I don’t want China to know what I’m having for dinner.”

Meanwhile, ChatGPT has reportedly been relegated to legacy technology status, joining Tamagotchis, DVD rewinders, and that drawer full of mystery chargers.

More to come.

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