Corrections Victoria have today revealed that they will be confiscating all exercise bikes and ellipticals from the gymnasiums and mess yards across all low-security prisons in the state.

This follows the imprisonment of the most highest-ranking figure of the Australian Catholic Church, and arguably the most hated inmate in Victoria.

Just one hour ago, convicted paedophile Cardinal Pell was sentenced to 6 years in prison for horrific crimes against innocent children.

Outside the court, relieved advocates described it as a “small dose of justice” – despite the fact that the prominent rock spider will applicable for early release as early as 2022.

However, both the Victorian judicial and correctional departments say they are a little nervous that Pell might be experiencing a little more than just three years in the can, that’s if the institution hosting him has the right kind of gym equipment.

“The last thing we want is the Cardinal getting Carl Williams’d” said Premier Daniel Andrews.

“Having your head bashed in with an exercise bike in is low security prison is an awful way to go out. I mean, I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it, but it would look pretty bad if this happened before the Prime Minister strips him of his OAM.

At time of press, government trucks were being waved into both Port Phillip, Barwon and Ararat – as staff began an immediate confiscation of all exercise bikes.

Premier Andrews says it’s probably in bad taste, but given the fact that Pell has put on a fair bit of weight over the trial… An excersise bike wouldn’t kill him!”

“Haha” said the Victorian Premier.

“How good”


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