ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

In a complete reversal of roles, a suburban shopping centre rug salesman has for the first time outside his automotive counterpart from across the street.

Darcy Oliver from Oliver Rugs and Throws moved six rugs in November and half a dozen sheepskins. A modest result that keeps the lights on, says the 47-year-old.

“A good rug month for us is about five. Best we’ve done is when they first started to develop Betoota Heights in the early 90s. We sold 30 rugs in August 2000, which still stands are the record,”

“I guess people wanted a nice clean, comfy and stylish rug for the kids to lie on watching the Olympics? Who knows? Anyway, it honestly blew my size six boots off when I found out we’d outperformed Betoota North Holden in November. Jesus Christ, they should take that lion out back and fucking shoot it!”

“Hey, let me get my pug in! If you’re looking for the greatest range of rugs at the best prices in town, come on down to Oliver Rugs and get yourself a bargain! I’m closing down soon and all this stock has got to go! Hurry! While stocks last.”

Our reporter crossed the baking carpark that separated the Betoota Heights Hyperdome and the North Betoota Holden dealership to speak with a salesman.

After finding one that was able to confirm Mr Oliver’s claims (who our reporter stumbled upon shaving the carrot in the back of an Arcadia demonstrator) he went onto explain that it’s simply a bad time for new cars in general.

“It is a bit embarrassing that a shopping mall rug shop is moving more stock than us – but it’s got more to do with the economy right now,” said the salesman.

He was obviously still in a bit of shock on the count of our reporter seeing his erect penis poking out through his plastic Tarocash suit pants. A phone in one hand and himself in the other.

“We’re optimistic about the future and so on actually mate, can you just leave, please? We’re closed. Stop looking me in the eye, you fucking weird cunt. Don’t!”

More to come.


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