ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Opposition leader Bradbury Shorten has hit the road this week, travelling to regional centres around the country to spruik his party’s rural policies.
The polite Taurus pulled into the Macquarie Marshes Nature Reserve, near Dubbo in County Coulton, this morning to speak with concerned cotton growers who feel threatened by his party and their penchant for providing water for people other than them.
During the morning press conference that Bradbury organised on the side of the road to Carinda, home of the pub where David Bowie shook his little can in the ‘Let’s Dance’ video clip, he tried to put their worries at ease by saying he’s going to drain the swamp.
“I’m going to drain the swamp!” Shorten said proudly.
That statement was met with immediate fanfare and hollering.
“There’s too much political rot in Canberra and my government will make sure everybody pulls their own freight! Even the rich!”
The fanfare died down.
“I know people in my party have said they’d like to see cotton farming banned. I’m not one of them. We need cotton farmers to stimulate regional economies!”
The fanfare grew to a rapturous applause.
“The John Deere dealerships! The Toyota ones, too! Your son will get an SV6 on a novated lease! So will yours! Yes! Set yourselves up as a trust to minimise your tax bill!”
“Buy an apartment in a major city for your layabout children to live in rent free! You can have it all!”
“We’ll do even less for the primary producers of this land than the National Party! Under a Labor government, we’ll essentially go on and government pretending you don’t even exist!”
“I’m going to drain the fucking swamp!”
A local cotton grower collapsed in sheer ecstasy, his once gout-riddled knees now freely bucked and kicked as he writhed around in the bulldust overcome by the joy of it.
Shorten then left, confused by what had happened.
More to come.
