ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Opposition Leader has taken the opportunity this morning in Canberra to tell journalists that he might be considered ‘uncool’ by traditional standards – but he’ll never be as uncool as a grown man kicking himself to work on a scooter.

Bill Shorten, a 51-year-old Victorian Taurus who constantly deletes his private school education from his Wikipedia page, went onto explain that while he doesn’t have anything against the scootermen minority, it’s just not his cup of tea.

“You know what I mean, we’ve all seen those manchilds thinking they’re saving time and getting some cardio at the same time,” said Shorten.

“Just walk or get a bike. Or get on public transport. Or drive. Do anything except scoot like that. Have some goddamn self-respect for yourself,”

“No matter what I do in this life, I will never be as uncool as those people. If you are an adult man and ride one of those scooter things on the footpath, don’t vote for me. You shouldn’t even be allowed to vote. Move to New Zealand or California. This is Australia, we don’t accept that type of poppycock here.”

Shorten then closed the presser out the front of the House of Reps entrance by saying he’ll enjoy the next two weeks in Parliament but not to expect much before the election.

“There’s a urinal puck off in one of our toilets that I’ve been working on for a few months. I hope to finally piss it in half before we break up for our post-summer break in two weeks.”

More to come.


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