ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Minister of Australia has told reporters this morning in Canberra that he didn’t fully understand how bad things have gotten with global warming until councillors from the City of Sydney declared a climate emergency overnight.

“Everything’s fucked,” said Scott Morrison.

“I’ve had a look at the data and the climate’s fucking fucked, mate. It’s had the dick. Why didn’t anybody tell me?”

“Fuck me! Have any of you dickheads actually seen the data? Have you had a good look at it? We’ve got to do something now! Fuck me! Why have you all been keeping this from me? Jumping fucking Jesus on a God damn pogostick! I’ve never this angry in my God damn fucking life!”

A number of reporters attempted to ask Scott a question when his morning rant came to an end but he simply turned and went back inside parliament.

The Advocate spoke to a CSIRO climatologist earlier who refutes the Prime Morrison’s claims, telling our reporter that his department has been telling him for years that his policy platforms are killing the Earth.

“You know what, he might be telling the truth?” said Professor Cameron Drech.

“At this point in time, I’m willing to believe anything. If it took a bunch of Sydney elites having a meaningless vote on something they can’t control to get the Prime Minister to take action, good on them,”

“In all honesty, I just want the rest of my time on Earth to be as comfortable as possible. I no longer care about anything.”

Our reporter reached out to the ALP for comment but they took too long to get back to us.

More to come.


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