ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The nation’s Bloke-in-Chief Scott Morrison has worked to parlay fears that Australians stuck overseas may have by telling them that the old Hubei spicy lung hates the cold and she’ll be right.

In Sydney today, Scott Morrison explained that because the northern hemisphere is going into winter now, the many thousands of citizens seemingly abandoned in Europe and North America will be fine.

“Yeah look, cobber,” laughed the PM.

“You know this bloody coronavirus hates the bloody cold! Don’t bloody blame it if you ask this old boogie boarder! Ah ha! Yeah, so ah, yeah, me old two bob watch! Heyo! Get out of it, you bastard!”

The Prime Minister then did his best to imitate Michael Jackson’s famous grunts, ‘shamonas’, a ‘tee-hees’ as he went full bloke.

“Oi, so. Yeah, nah. There’s nothing to worry about, hey? And to all those Aussies still trying to get home, my advice to you would be to just keep mashing that F5 button and using your own cash to buy tickets that may or may not exist, like. Don’t use a credit card because then it becomes the problem of the credit card company and like they’re doing it fucken tough right now, so like don’t be a fucken dog and use their money, like fair go. Mate, just use your own money,”

“Cheers, guys. Remember, the virus hates the cold. That’s why the cases are dropping here. It’s getting hotter. It’s a no brainer. Fuck.”

The Prime Minister was then forcibly placed into the back of his commcar by his NewsCorp attache.

More to come.


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