LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
NRL finals footy kicks off tomorrow night, meaning half of the nation’s footy fans are absolutely chewing their mouth lining to pieces in anticipation.
One mucus membrane destroyer is Penrith local Aaron Douglas who is stoked his Panthers secured the minor premiership and is not nervous about playing Parra tomorrow so fuck you for asking.
“Nah, I think it’s gonna be…nah, it’s gonna-we’re gonna…” stumbled Douglas, pausing as an appropriate helicopter passed over us to soundtrack his traumatic flashbacks.
“Fuck you, that’s what.”
Although his team only tasted defeat four times in 2022, two of those times were courtesy of nearby rivals the Parramatta Eels, the most recent of which was a round 20 slapping that also saw star halfback Nathan Cleary missing five weeks for a dangerous tackle.
To add to the trauma, the game took place during Try July where players are encouraged to participate in elaborate try celebrations to raise awareness for Sportsbet and all their brilliant market odds and crap ads or some shit.
Despite spending most of 2022 confident his team would get the rub of the green, Douglas’s usual confidence has been absent, possibly due to the thought of Maika Sivo waiting out on the wing like an apex predator or Reed Mahoney pretending to take a selfie with a football playing on repeat in his mind.
“Not nervous, going back to back. Interview’s over. Piss off.”