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Despite all other meat being stripped from the shelves, a panicked Melbourne shopper still isn’t desperate enough to remortgage his Richmond workers cottage to buy some of Jamie Oliver’s lip-smacking chicken bits.

Peter Spencer, who in a past life work here at The Advocate as a standover man, relocated to Melbourne at the start of the year to be closer to his family.

Since then, he says, things haven’t been going so good.

But as bad as things get, the 28-year-old said he’d never spend that much money on pre-marinaded chicken.

“Mate, the only exception to that rule is Leonards. If there’s a Leos in the local shopping centre, I might pay thirty-odd dollars for a kilo of fancy chook – but you’d have to be fucked in the head to spend that kind of cheddar at Woolies or Coles,” he said.

“Like old fashioned fucked. Like as fucked as a third-hand Ozito whipper snipper from Facebook marketplace would be. That’s how fucked your brain would have to be to buy that,”

“Plus, I’m distrusting of that Jamie Oliver, too. His stupid book of 15-minute recipes has more lies in it than the fucken Bible! There’s a recipe for lasagne in that book. Who the fuck can make a lasagne in 15 minutes? What do you do? Put the raw mince in the dish and the pasta sheets then throw the thing in the microwave for 13 minutes? Like fuck you do,”

“And now he’s trying to sell me $14 chicken bits. I’m surprised the picture of him on the front hasn’t got him in a Zorro mask! Because it’s fucken highway robbery. I don’t care if I can’t go to the supermarket again for twenty years, I’d never spend that kind of money on that. Who does buy this shit? Those smooth-brain Tim Smith types from South Yarra? Your devon slice nipple Toorak banker? It’s got me fucked.”

The Advocate requested comment from Jamie Oliver’s management but have yet to receive a reply.

Woolworths sent a generic response to our emailed questions and Coles sent a reply without prompt. Aldi sent The Advocate some white wine.

More to come.


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