The Water Rats, made famous by a late 1990s documentary series which shocked Sydney residents who thought the harbour was relatively free of corpses, has made another major bust. The operation involved the interception of yet another boatload of Victorians yesterday from their rickety vessel which had run aground on notorious Ashmore Reef.

The 35 men, 3 women and 4 children were first spotted yesterday morning as their overloaded boat became stuck on the reef and immediately began taking on water. By 2:30pm a Water Rats patrol boat had made the 5000km trip and was on hand to rescue the boat people and take them to Christmas Island for processing.

Although the detainees claimed to originate from Indonesia, several discarded Australian passports were found floating around the boat which confirmed the group was escaping from the embargoed state of Victoria.

“It looked to me like they were trying to get sent to Indonesia” said a member of the rescue party on condition of anonymity. “They all started shouting ‘Same same only different’ and asking for a Bintang. But they were clearly from Victoria. The boat was made out of basketweave organic quinoa and they wouldn’t shut up about AFL or their effective tram network. We offered them tea or coffee and they asked if we had any wheatgrass shots”.

“The conditions here are brutal” said one of the illegal immigrants via a vintage public phone box which was smuggled in inside a consignment of milk crates for the detainees to sit on.

“They are totally out of rhubarb and they’re not even sure when the next shipment will arrive. All I want to do is get back to my family in Indonesia, where I run a scooter hire business or something”.

Although authorities were not prepared to offer specifics on the most recent arrivals, a press release from the Department of Immigration and Border Protection this morning read in part: “While we are not prepared to discuss operational matters, if we were to hypothetically intercept a boat made out of quinoa containing a bunch of Victorians who were trying to escape Victoria by intentionally getting stuck on Ashmore Reef and hypothetically pretending to be from Indonesia in the hope we would send them there, hypothetically we would quickly detain them and immediately return them to Victoria after a few years of processing, hypothetically.”More to come, probably.


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