A flustered and defeated Andrew Bolt has reportedly spent the last five hours looking for a media scrum to ask him his opinion outside the Melbourne County Court today.

After suffering the humiliation of seeing the convicted pedophile he has been defending for the last fortnight finally sentenced to six years in prison, Andrew Bolt says it is so typical of the dominant leftist media to spend so much time talking the rampant culture of child molestation and the subsequent protection of perpetrators in the Catholic Church.

After a couple interns from some of Melbourne’s more conservative talkback radio stations eventually approached the controversial opinion columnist for comment, he appeared frustrated by the fact they were asking questions about the landmark conviction of Australia’s highest ranking Catholic figure.

“Seriously guys. This? Still? It happened like half a day ago” said Bolt

“Yes. I understand the gravity of this situation. I understand both the alledged victims were allegedly white. And boys too. I understand we shouldn’t be trivialising this… But seriously…”

“As we speak, there are several groups of more than three South Sudanese teenagers playing soccer or basketball, or some other variation of an ethnic street game, on the St Kilda foreshore”

When asked why this was relevant, Andrew Bolt responded with venom.

“If you don’t think a bunch of noticeably black teenagers in sportswear making noise in a public space is an issue then you are part of the problem!”

Bolt’s pupils then started to dilate and he began breathing heavily, before launching into an uncontrolled tirade of pinot noir conservatism.

“I always knew 3AW was leftist garbage! It’s because of people like you that Tony Abbott is at risk of being voted out by a Winter Olympian”

“You… With all of your so-called journalism about the alleged sentencing of the alleged Cardinal Pell after being allegedly found guilty for allegedly committing alleged sex crimes against alleged choirboys by an alleged jury of his peers after years of alleged investigation!!!”

After momentarily becoming self-aware enough to realise he had once again snapped into a J. Edgar Hoover-esque tirade, Bolt quickly ditched his effeminate Toorakian native tongue and began calmly.

“Now” he said, while wiping saliva from his mouth.

“May I redirect your attention to the black 14-year-olds who have a physical presence that could easily be confused for a grown man”


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