ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Surprise new cases of the Hubei spicy lung in Auckland has meant the New Zealand Prime Minister’s hand was forced today as the government closed down the nation’s economy to control the spread.

Jacinda Ardern apologised but also said she’s putting the lives of ordinary Kiwis before the economy.

“It’s with a heavy heart today that I have to announce that all seven shops in New Zealand will be forced to close as we try to get a handle on this new outbreak,” said Ardern.

“Especially to Tim from Tim’s Milk Bar in Hastings. I’ve heard Tim was doing it tough during the first lockdown and was only just getting back on his feet,”

“My thoughts go out to Tim.”

Tim from Tim’s Milk Bar said he’s disappointed in the government’s decision but understands why it had to happen.

“I’ve got a fridge full of milk and no throats to tip it down, I’m a mess right now,” said Tim.

“This new lockdown has just about fucked me. Fucked me right in the hip pocket! Fuck! But I guess we’re doing this to protect the elderly and whatnot. Between you and me, though, I reckon this virus could clean up South Auckland a little bit! That place is clean as a dog park! Sorry, I didn’t mean that,”

“Bloody hell.”

This new lockdown means every shop in New Zealand must close.

The eight shops in question, The South Auckland Adult Book Shop, Tim’s Milk Bar in Hastings, Bertie’s Gun Shop, Jonah’s Chilly Bin Wine & Beer, Simon’s Thai Massage, the Dennis Street Horse Butcher and Humpadink’s Pianos in Wellington will be closed until further notice.

Officials from the NZ Government have confirmed financial support will be made available to each business.

More to come.


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