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Australian music journalists, critics and online op-ed writers are a life form lower than ever seen before- that’s according to one of Britain’s oldest and most respected multidisciplinary scientific journal, Nature.
Scholars commissioned by the publication, which had published many of the great works from Isaac Newton, Michael Faraday through to early works from Charles Darwin, say that they didn’t think their could possibly be a form lof human life lower than the Australophitecus Robustas – that was until they scoured Australia’s online music news.
“What we have found is that Australian music journalists, the remaining ones anyway, are not actually carrying the same definitive traits associated with the rest of humankind” said lead researcher Professor Lote Meninga.
There have been many fields of research delving into the role of Australian music journalists in recent nears – The papers that have been published in Nature journal are internationally acclaimed for maintaining high research standards. Less than 8% of submitted Australian-music- journalist papers have been accepted for publication.
“It is very hard to explain how this life form managed to co-exist with others while still retaining such low, low standards” said Professor Meninga.
“Their habits of trawling the personal Facebook pages of musicians for dramatic clickbait to take out of context, their inability to give more than 3 stars to any given album – for fear of making enemies”
“Their condescending attitude towards urban genreas and general cultural blind spots – it’s almost like the whole community has spent their entire lives going to the same high school, universities and nightclubs”
Musicjourno robustus is generally dated to have first walked between 2.0 and 1.2 million years ago. It has large jaws and kong hair with the accompanying sagittal crest, and post-canine teeth that were adapted to serve in the dry, desolate environment they live in.
“It is quite surprising that they have been able to survive into the new millennium” said the Professor.
“Their entire livelihood appears to depend on them starting shit between musicians, and labels, and then reporting on them, without any accountability”