ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Agriculture Minister David Littleproud has revealed today that he’s been locked in a competition with his Labor counterpart, Joel Fitzgibbon, for nearly a year now over who can look the most like they design chairs for IKEA.

At the moment, David Littleproud admits that Joel has it by a whisker – and he hopes a few key wardrobe changes next week will get him back on top.

“Might have to buy a turtleneck on the way home,” said the deputy Nationals leader.

The Advocate spoke briefly to Mr Littleproud inside his Parliament House office this afternoon.

“Or duck into my local family-owned optometrist to pick up some round spectacles,”

“But between you and me, boys, I reckon Big Mick [McCormack] would have kittens if I turned up in my full IKEA designer garb. Barnaby would flat out piss his Gazmans if he caught me wearing a turtleneck,”

“It’s just a bit of fun, you know? Joel’s a good sport and he’s not a bad bloke, it’s just that his ag policy is fucked and he should get his head x-rayed to make sure there’s nothing inside it that’s fucked, you know?”

Joel laughed from inside Mr Littleproud’s office ensuite.

“Turn it up, DL!” he giggled as he flushed the toilet.

He emerged from the toilet and rubbed his stomach.

“You know what fucking Barnaby calls us? The fucking lunatic he is?”

Our reporter shook their head.

“He calls us the Poang Gang. You know that fucking IKEA armchair that only has front legs and you sit in it and you think it’s going to break but it doesn’t?”

Our reporter nodded.

“That’s a fucking Poang. How the fuck does Barnaby Joyce know what a fucking Poang is?”

“Anyway, everything else he said about the competition is true. We are trying to look like IKEA designers.”

“Now, either get a 150 Lashes out of the fridge and make like that pin dick from the Solo TV ads and slam it down fast or fuck off.”

Our reporter elected to fuck off.

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here