ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
“After what happened on Bondi Beach the other day,” said the Prime Minister.
“I have no choice but to close down everything. Pubs, clubs, cafes, restaurants. Closed.”
The nation is today thanking the people of Bondi for ruining everything after they decided the social distancing rules didn’t apply to them because they have more money than most.
A man who comes to The Advocate’s newsroom each day to sell fruit said that his local pub, The Federal in Betoota Heights, has had to close its doors today because of what the Bondi people did last week.
“First, someone eats a bat or fries up and bit of pangolin gooch and the stock market crashes. Now my pub is shut because people in Bondi think they’re more important than everyone else? What type of fresh hell is this?”
Our reporter shrugged and told the man he’d like a green apple. The man sprayed it with Glen20 and took the dollar from our reporter.
“It doesn’t make sense to me. Oh well, I’m just an office fruit man, what the fuck do I know?”
The Advocate spoke to someone from Bondi via telephone this afternoon who said they didn’t go to the beach last week and most of the people ignoring the rules did not live in the exclusive open sewer.
“Not all Bondi people!” it said.
“You should stop spreading lies! I moved into Bondi five years ago and there are lots of ‘gentrifying yuppie cunts’ as you call us who actually respect the laws,”
“It was the backpackers! Especially the ones from Brazil! Take a look at the pictures!”
Our reporter then decided to put the phone down on their desk while Bondi was still dribbling on and flop lovingly into a beanbag in the next room.
More to come.