Smoke is billowing from a Brunswick loft this morning, as a politically charged yuppie furiously hammers at her keyboard to craft her yearly assassination of the Melbourne Cup.

Logging into her White Collar Tinder account at 8am this morning, it’s believed former head girl of Betoota Grammar, now Naarm based settler Alice Chadwick-Boyle (27) decided she wanted to get her annual #NupToTheCup diatribe out just in time to hit fellow corporates on their morning commute.

However after five consecutive years of posting a recycled essay on Facebook, which she updates yearly with the latest statistics copy and pasted off the PETA website, it’s understood Alice has decided to shake-up her usual communications strategy, and scream directly into a blue chamber of like-minded individuals who she hopes will join her on a casual drive-by on working class people, veiled by an animal rights hashtag.

Tired of inciting public arguments with the more regional members of her family, including a particularly vile and blue-collar cousin that lives in one of those towns that has a jail, Alice told The Advocate she wouldn’t be changing her profile picture on Facebook this year and would instead be focusing her attention to LinkedIn, a platform she knows will cause less immediate friction.

Crafting an energetic post that would spew out across her network of fellow arts graduates, sustainable hedge fund managers and a few freelance graphic designers, Alice’s reportedly broadcast that she will be working at 3pm today.

“I am tired!” typed Alice, as she prepared for another taxing day working as a pottery magazine editor from her Brunswick terrace owned by her parents.

“Tired of dealing with the stress and trauma that today’s display of animal cruelty brings up for many people, particularly those who grew up in a rural area, like me…”

“I often get asked about my opinions about today and I’d begin by saying I will be working at 3pm this afternoon, in an act of defiance against the race that shames a nation…”

More to come.


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