ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Indonesian government has poured a cold Bintang on reports that it is preparing to host Russian long-range bombers just 1300 kilometres from Australian shores, confirming today that the only real danger the archipelago poses to Australia is third-degree muffler burn from rented Balinese mopeds.
A report from US military outlet Janes claimed that Russia had lodged a formal request to base strategic aircraft at the Manuhua Air Force Base in Biak Numfor, West Papua. The rumour sent a brief shiver down the spine of anyone that consumes scary commercial TV news, who were quickly assured by Jakarta that the only foreign agents currently wreaking havoc in the region are drunk, sunburnt bogans with no travel insurance.
“There are no bombers,” said an Indonesian defence official.
“Only the occasional 24-year-old from Ipswich who’s 26 Bintangs deep and doing burnouts outside a Circle K. We treat many burns.”
The Prime Minister Anthony Albanese said he had sought urgent clarification overnight and thanked Indonesia for ruling out the airbase speculation. Opposition Leader Peter Dutton attempted to raise alarm about the report before being informed that the only aircraft confirmed in the region last night was a Jetstar bogan missile carrying a cargo of cashed-up outer suburbanites on school holidays and Pilbera-based FIFO workers looking to chill out and maybe bash the fuck out of someone younger who’s never been in a fight before.
Locals in Bali have also confirmed there is no military activity to speak of, beyond an ethnically-Victorian bloke named Trent who, according to a consulate offical, went ‘cunt up’ on his scooter coming home from Old Man’s last night.
“He didn’t even flinch,” said one witness.
“Just stood up, giggled, pushed locals away who were trying to help him, and took off again wobbling all over the road.”
More to come.
