ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A mediocre hamburger chain from America has announced they’re expanding into Australia, the spiritual home of the mediocre burger.

Australia has long been considered by many in the international hamburger community to be the land of the mediocre burger, which lead to Five Guys announcing earlier this week that they’re ‘coming Down Under’.

Speaking to this newspaper in a nasal Californian accent, the vice-president of marketing at Five Guys said it felt like the brand was coming home as they look to open a number of restaurants in mediocre shitholes like Sydney, Melbourne and New Zealand’s North Island.

“We’ve noticed that Australians like to do burgers in the most over-the-top but somehow boring way,” he said.

“Like name them after hip-hop artists or put shit on them like eggs and beetroot. Those aren’t burger ingredients,”

“The key ingredients of a great burger are meat, bread and some lettuce. Sauces, too. But the most important ingredient in a mediocre burger is that it needs to cost between $14 and $22. Pub prices. Have you ever had a burger at a pub and thought, ‘Wow! That was awesome!’? The answer is no,”

“At Five Guys, we aim to take twenty-odd dollars off your pathetic little orange debit card and make you less hungry.”

Five Guys will open shops next year sometime in the places mentioned above. Go there if you like lining up for food like we lost the Cold War or something.

More to come.


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