A local alpha male who is known to enthusiastically discuss ‘the role of a woman’ in the middle of first dates, is this week furious to learn that the definition of sexy has changed.

And it’s is the polar opposite to the tatted up roid boys of the late 2010s that he has been trying so hard to emulate.

Like many former high school athletes who took to much ecstasy and clenbuterol in the Stereosonic era, local finance worker Duncan Topgee (35) has found that chauvinistic social media rabbit holes have helped him process his fading youth.

With vaguely Christian talking points and edgy arguments about race and gender, Duncan is not like other blokes.

He’s an alpha. Well, he’s actually more of a sigma. He’s unique, and unapologetic for this uniqueness, that he shares with millions of other disenfranchised middle class men who feel their proximity to excellence has been compromised by equality of others.

But that doesn’t mean he’s stopped trying to land himself a high-value woman. Close to 3 hours in the gym each day, militant dieting and researching ways to better himself. He hasn’t read a novel in years, but he’s a big fan of E-Books and podcasts.

Aside from the hurdles that modern society faces with the rise of feminism and wokeism, there’s literally nothing stopping people like Duncan from achieving their goals.

Which is apparently to find a traditional stay-at-home wife to raise a stable of similarly macho sons.

That was, until he learnt about Rodent Boy Summer.

If the internet is to be believed, the modern woman is yearning for men with ‘rodentlike’ features. From The Bear’s Jeremy Allen White, to Euphoria’s Dominic Fike, to the extraordinarily rodentlike Hollywood superstar, Timothée Chalamet.

Overnight, this new trend has ruled out the meatheads of yesteryear like Duncan as sex icons. And he’s furious about it.

“What the fuck would a girl wanna go out with a guy who looks like he can’t even bench his own weight” he scowls bitterly, before reverting back to his self-defence mechanism of poorly executed sarcasm.

“Ohhhh… I get it. Girls like gay guys now haha”

It’s completely lost on Duncan that his domineering presence, and inability to let a woman finish a sentence, may be the direct cause that the opposite sex are now flocking to harmless looking skinny men.

But just like every other societal trend that renders him irrelevant, Duncan can take solace in the fact that these women are probably brainwashed by the elites.

“First it started with the gender wage gap myth” he mutters.

“Now everything is toxic. Hate to break it to you all, but the world was built by toxic men”

“Surely women will come to their senses”




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