SCARLETT PAINT | Local News | Contact

A rapidly-ageing city worker hit the phones late last night during the death rolls of her latest existential crisis in the hopes that at least one of her friends would still be up.

Luckily for Silvia Daniels, one of them was.

Just as the credits rolled at the end of the third episode of this season’s True Detective, Mr Sandman was ready to pay Julie Joyce-Hernea a visit when her mobile hummed to life on the nightstand.

Speaking candidly to our reporter this morning via telephone, Julie wondered who in the blue fuck would be texting her in the moments before midnight on a Sunday.

“It was my friend Silvia who was concerned about how wasted she got on Saturday night and how that might impact on her life herein,” she said.

“She wasn’t even that drunk. Marcia Coinbrane was by far the worst. She projectile vomited on a complete stranger’s shoe at the bus stop,”

“But that little tidbit didn’t make Silvie feel any better. She needed someone to reply to her until she fell asleep, which is a service I’m more than happy to provide. Because who know, one day it’ll be me who needs someone like that.”

Our reporter reached out to young Silvia for comment but when asked about her ongoing gripe with existing on this disgusting hell hole of a planet, she freaked out and denied ever feeling that way.

More to come.


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