ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The executive council of the federal Liberal Party have doused one of the leadership spot fires that’s emerged in the lead up to this year’s election by placing former Prime Minister Tony Abbott into a simulated ‘Oculus Rift’ reality where he’s still in the top job.

Mr Abbott, who continues to nip at the very nipple that’s given him every opportunity in life, is said to be ‘much happier’ in his alternate universe than he was in our one, according to a number of internal sources.

The Liberal Council said they can now focus on much more important things.

Bernice Reece-Coleman, our district’s Liberal National Party secretary, said that the party can move on now that Tony Abbott has been pacified somewhat.

“In the simulation, Tony Abbott is a wartime prime minister. Australia is in a defacto state of total war with Russia after Tony coward punched Vladamir Putin in the back of the head at the APEC meeting in Brisbane. Vlad fell, cracked his head on the ground and died right then and there in front of all the other world leaders,”

“And we’re actually winning the war, which was a nice touch. Obama was impeached after it was discovered that he was born in Weipa. Malcolm Turnbull lost his seat to Tony’s sister. Heartbroken by the loss, Malcolm has turned to heroin to fill the void in his life left by politics,”

“It’s really a best-case scenario for Tony, which is why I guess he’s so happy. We couldn’t hide Geroge Pell’s crimes from him though. We simulated him being publically hanged from a streetlight by an angry mob shortly after the guilty verdict, then forced him to watch as his lifeless corpse was dragged through the streets of North Melbourne. Might’ve been a bit much but you need to take your ying with your yang in this life.”

The Advocate reached out to the Office of the Current Prime Minister for comment but have yet to receive a reply.

Mr Shorten’s office was nice enough to send our reporter back a short note saying the Labor Party hopes Mr Abbott is enjoying himself.

More to come.


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